I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
