saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
