i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
