Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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