The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
