The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You have to summon your inner elephant
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
