Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
