He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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