I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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