Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
