Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
