Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
