I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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