I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
