I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
