he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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