i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
