ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
