I met the friendliest cop last night
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
