My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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