i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
