I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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