I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
