i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
