omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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