Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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