Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
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