your parents love me but you hate me
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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