I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize