I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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