well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
