Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
