Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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