i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
