Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
