the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
