I want to make a zoo with you.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
