Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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