So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
