i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
