I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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