please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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