I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
