i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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