What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
