If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
