Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
