I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
