I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
