I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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