Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
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