I bet he comes in French.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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