Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
