make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Randomize
