Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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