my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
