I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
