Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
