The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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