Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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