The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
