I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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