Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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