Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
